BLOOPERS
ADELE
YOUNG
Annual column ‘bares down’ on the lighter side of the news

Our annual bloopers column is our attempt to interject a little levity in the sometimes depressing world of news coverage.

It’s a collection of typos and grammatical and usage errors compiled from everything that crosses our desks on their way into one of Greater Media Newspapers’ 10 weekly publications.

We’re pleased that everything in this column — until the very end, that is — did not make it into print, thanks to the alert eyes usually of someone on the copy desk.

When we look for bloopers, we usually don’t have to look further than our own poor typing skills, as evidenced by the following headlines we almost ran:

• Holmdel Invitational attacks [attracts] some of track’s biggest names

Talk about capitalizing on the home field advantage!

• Three charged string of August car burglaries

Would that be on American Express or Visa?

• Orchid auction open to the pubic

Sounds like something Lady Chatterley’s lover would attend.

• American Legion Auxiliary to hold flea sale April 27

Not so sure this is a really great idea for a fund-raiser.

• Mustnags stun top seed CBA

Nagging often wins domestic arguments, but who knew it could also take down a top sports team.

Sports by its very nature is one of our favorite sources for the most amusing errors. In a sports story, we quoted a Rumson wrestler as saying, "I’ve wrestled [him] before, and I think we were both nervous at the beginning of the finals. But I just bared down and did what I knew I could do."

As if those wrestling positions weren’t interesting enough on their own, adding bare-naked wrestling takes it to a whole new dimension. It also conjures up fond memories of the naked Twister game played by an area high school football team during camp some years ago.

Things got a little dicey in another sports article:

"Spotswood senior catcher Kevin Brown [was] brilliant in the field, where he established himself as the GMC’s top defensive catcher, reeking havoc on would-be base stealers throughout the campaign."

Just reinforcing why athletes need to shower after games.

In the "not quite the write word" category, we respectfully submit the following for your amusement:

"The bill’s history is chalk-full of last-minute agreements to move it forward before it died." Maybe it’s all that chalk dust that stalls bills down at the Statehouse in Trenton.

In one of our advertising special sections, we wrote about the yolk of a dress. Now some of us are very familiar with yolk on a dress, especially after a big breakfast buffet.

Perhaps one public official has been spending too much time at the opera: "We tried providing jobs for residents who had housing being torn down. For some reason we received more opposition than help for reasons I couldn’t phantom."

"The controversy surrounding the renovations to the historic Clarksburg School, Stagecoach Road and Route 524, is rather a mute point since the renovations are under way and the township has already committed funds to the project." If only all controversies were that quiet.

We also reported on an interesting class trip some fifth-graders had this year:

"When the USS Carl Vinson returns to United States soil in Seattle this month, the aircraft carrier will be dressed up with the banner made by the Marlboro fifth-graders hanging on the outside of the carrier for all to witness." Is this what is meant by getting hung out to dry?

We can usually count on politics and politicians for some unexpected chuckles.

One local official made the following comment about the site for a new town hall: "People have made assumptions based on a basic square-footage charge. But, in good consciousness, I cannot vote on something I have little to no information on, nor do I know what it will cost taxpayers." Finally a politician who votes while conscious.

Another story told of the endorsement of a mayoral candidate: "I feel that he has both the leadership skills and the breath and depth of knowledge regarding township administration that would make him an outstanding leader of our community."

If he’s got good teeth and hair too, he has our vote!

Speaking of breath, the following might smell a little fishy, but we swear it’s true: "On the sidelines, both benches waited with baited breath to see if there would be a foul call." You might say this was one game that was on the line.

Feminists would have cheered this event: Karen Christiana-Gunn was sworn in last week as the newest Board of Education. A one-woman board with no male members — imagine the possibilities.

Although spell check is a writer’s best friend, it can cause quite a commotion when the wrong word is selected from its list of suggestions. For instance, in a February story about Red Bank Regional High School renovations, we mentioned the school’s sending towns of Little Silver, Shrubbery [Shrewsbury] and Red Bank. You’ll find Shrubbery on your Monmouth County map next to the towns of Topsoil, Sod and Pachysandra.

Typos are just as much fun as spell-check errors. Just ask the young lady mentioned in the following example, a list of Monmouth Beach eighth-grade graduates:

"Brianna Spahn was the class president and won the yechnology award."

With this on her résumé, Brianna should surely consider applying to Virginia Polyyechnic Institute and certainly Massa-chusetts Institute of Yechnology.

A builder in Millstone threatened to pull out a misplaced drainage pipe, saying that unless he got a "cease and disease order from the court, not from the town, I’m pulling the pipe out next week."

Would that be West Nile, malaria, typhoid?

Although obituaries typically are not a source of any kind of humor, we think the family of this deceased woman would have smiled when they read: "She was predeceased by her first husband of 18 yeas."

Whereas most husbands would rate 10 yeas at the most, that lucky guy got 18!

Another topic well nigh impossible to find any mirth in is the tragic events of 9/11. However, it’s hard not to smile at the following item we almost printed: "Churches on Sept. 11 will be open for prayer and medication."

Now, we’d like to proudly say that we caught all the mistakes before they went to press, but we all know that didn’t happen. And when we screw up, we do it big time, like running an obituary that was 2 years old. We still aren’t completely sure how that happened. We suspect computer gremlins, the same ones we’d like to blame most of our mistakes on.

Another error that got completely by us was a story about Freehold Borough Councilman Kevin Coyne working on "turning strengths into weaknesses," a philosophy the councilman said "he intends to adhere to throughout his term in office."

And realistically, what were the chances that this little malapropism would escape the notice of the councilman, who is a journalist and professional writer who’s pretty adept at words himself. He did notice and fortunately realizes that mistakes like that are best handled with a sense of humor.

Officials in Howell, however, probably weren’t laughing when they read our story about their proposed budget:

"We have already had one budget workshop meeting with another scheduled," [Jeff] Filiatreault, [Howell’s chief financial officer] said. "The governor’s announcement [on state aid to school districts] hasn’t affected our budget-masking [our typo] process per se, but it has been a blow to everybody as we attempt to balance our budgets."

That unfortunately sounded like a business course designed by those clever folks at Enron.

Fortunately, it’s a new year, and we can all try to be a little sharper, but not too sharp, or there won’t be any bloopers to chuckle at next year.

Adele Young is the news editor of Greater Media Newspapers.